


Further

by Liza1031



Series: K-S-H-C One-Shots (glee) [4]
Category: Glee
Genre: Anderson-Hummel Child - Freeform, Anderson-Hummel Family, Angst, Birth, Breastfeeding, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Glee - Freeform, Husbands, Klaine, Love, M/M, Male Lactation, Marriage, Mpreg, Original Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel Child(ren), Parents Blaine Anderson & Kurt Hummel, Postpartum Depression, Pregnancy, Pregnant Blaine Anderson, Therapy, labor, mpreg!blaine, parents!klaine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:54:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28118037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liza1031/pseuds/Liza1031
Summary: Blaine struggles with postpartum depression.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel
Series: K-S-H-C One-Shots (glee) [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2059374
Kudos: 3





	Further

•Blaine•

_-Flashback-_

_I stood in the NICU with my arms crossed over my chest, tears streaming down my face, while staring at my sleeping baby girl. I felt so helpless just looking at her knowing it was something I had done to put her in this place._

_After her birth, she showed signs of neonatal jaundice and had a high level of bilirubin so now she was here._

_I made sure to do everything right in my pregnancy so that something like this wouldn’t happen but as it got close to these last few weeks, I just gave up. I’ve been so tired and uncomfortable that I should’ve known something was bound to happen to my sweet girl, and here she is in an incubator._

_Her skin was tinted a bit yellow from the jaundice and they said her liver could still be slightly underdeveloped so they want to keep her here for observation._

_This wasn’t supposed to happen._

_My chest slowly rose with each shaky breath I took. I carried my hand to the glass of her incubator and bit down on my lip, closing my eyes as more saddened tears rolled down my cheeks._

_“I’m so sorry.” I whisper knowing she can’t hear me but I knew this was all my fault._

_I jumped when I felt a warm hand on my back. My eyes fly open and I carefully twist my head to my right and see my husband standing beside me, wearing the same protective suit I had on. It was a must when being in the NICU._

_He too was upset about this happening but couldn’t be nearly as bad as I am._

_“How’s she doing?” He asks, keeping his eyes on our sleeping daughter. “She looks content, today.”_

_“Yeah well she shouldn’t be here.” I snap and turn away as more tears filled in my eyes._

_“Blaine!”_

_I ripped off the suit as I pushed the doors open leaving the NICU. I scratched the back of my head and made it around the corner, nearly about to fall over from the pain and soreness I still had down there. I quickly grabbed onto the wall and held it for support, feeling myself breaking down._

_“Blaine-” Kurt’s voice came into the hall and was close to me. “Baby, you can’t blame yourself for this.” He says softly, holding me up. “You shouldn’t be exerting yourself like this. Let’s go back to the room and rest, Sawyer’s still gonna be there you wake up.”_

_“That’s the thing Kurt!” I yell and feel my heart start to speed up. “She shouldn’t be in there! We should be home with her! This isn’t supposed to be happening and it’s-” I sniffle as my heart grew heavy just thinking about it. “-it’s all my fault.”_

_Kurt sighs and carefully turns me to face him. He puts his hands on my shoulders and looks up into my teary eyes. “None of this is your fault so stop blaming yourself. Things just happen but the nurses said she’s doing great, okay? We just need to be patient.”_

_“How can we be patient?! If I did what I was supposed to, we wouldn’t be here!”_

_“And what was that, Blaine?” He asks, now crossing his arms over his chest with a shaped eyebrow raised. My head rolled down so that I was looking at the floor and my shoulders bob, crying more, I can’t do this. “Honey, you did everything you could during your pregnancy. We took every precaution, heavily prepared ourselves, you stayed active and healthy. What more could you have done?”_

_“It just didn’t go as planned.” I swallow and bring my head up to face my husband. “I should’ve had her naturally and not all drugged up. She should’ve gotten here how I planned it, Kurt!”_

_“That was out of your control, Blaine! Sometimes things change and you have to deal with it, it’s part of life!”_

_“I understand that Kurt but I had everything planned and in order and nothing went right!” I scream causing some of the hospital staff and other patients to slow their pace and stare at us._

_Kurt gives them a small nod and pulls me away from the crowd, into a corner. His beautiful blue eyes were filled with hurt and I couldn’t bear to look at him because this was all my fault._

_He sighs and gently cups my face in his soft hands “Blaine, I know you wanted to have a natural birth, I know. But they were more focused on our daughter’s health than your wishes. Just because you didn’t get what you wanted doesn’t make it the end of the world, does it?” He asks._

_I slowly shake my head in his hands and sniffle, watching his lips twist into a sweet smile._

_“No it doesn’t. And maybe it wasn’t what you wanted but we still get a beautiful daughter out of it. Sawyer’s here and she’s real and she’s working hard so that she can come home with us, Blaine. You need to get over it and be there for her, okay? You’re her mother and she needs you to be strong for her, just like I do. It’s part of what being a parent is all about.”_   
_He slowly exhales, eyes moving back and forth while staring at me. He leans in and pecks my lips. He pulls away and wipes my tears away with the pads of his thumbs._

_“Do you want to go back to see her or go get some rest?” He asks, moving his hand down to take hold of mine._

_“I, uh.” I swallow and look back towards the NICU. “Let’s go back to the room.”_

_“Okay.” He nods and leads me down the hall, to the elevators._

_Once we get back into the room, he helps me onto the bed and I wince from the sharp pain in between my legs._

_“You okay?” He asks, holding his hands out._

_“Yeah, I’m fine.” I exhale and bring my legs around so that they were stretched out on the bed._

_“Take it easy okay? Get some sleep and I’ll be here when you wake up.” Kurt leaves a kiss on my forehead and pulls the chair close to my bed. He links our hands together and brings it up to his lips, kissing it. “I’ll be right here, Blaine.”_

_**\---** _

_The following day, I was back in the NICU because I was going to try and feed Sawyer again. It’s my goal to get her to nurse from me and not have to resort to formula. Luckily, they have donated breast milk from other moms but since she’s doing better today, we’re going to give it a go._

_My nurse, Lia, helped me get situated into the rocking chair and set a pillow under my arm for support. She then lifted Sawyer out of her incubator and carried her over to me. I gently took her into my reach and smiled down at my daughter who was now awake._

_“Hi sweet girl.” I ran my finger lightly down her face and she made a small noise but it was like music to my ears. “Ready to try eating?”_

_With encouragement from Lia and Kurt, I held my finger to my nipple and rubbed it along Sawyer’s lip, hoping she’ll latch on._

_“C’mon baby girl, you can do it.” I whisper watching as she struggled. “C’mon Sawyer.”_

_Her lips opened and I shifted her up more so she could latch on properly but she wouldn’t do it._

_“She’s not latching on!” I say, agitated. I tried to stay calm and kept trying. “C’mon Sawyer just latch on.”_

_“Give her a chance Blaine, it takes some time. She’s still new to everything.” Kurt says, resting his hand on my shoulder. “Just be calm and let her get used to it first.”_

_I sat there, still rubbing my nipple against her lips and she latched on after twenty minutes of trying. Another few minutes later and she was sucking the milk out of me, finally eating. I let out a sigh of relief and leaned back in the chair, staring down at her._

_“See, I told you she just needed some time.” Kurt smiled down at us and watched, so fondly, as I nursed our baby._

_Her soft suckling noises were so sweet and cute but I just couldn’t shake the feeling of being an unfit mother. I mean I’m supposed to be doing the one thing I’m meant to do and it’s still a struggle._

_My eyes stayed fixed on Sawyer and she detached her lips from my nipple. “No, no, no. C’mon baby girl you need to eat.” I tried to get her to latch on again but she wouldn’t do it._

_“Sometimes babies are like this the first time because it’s still a learning process for her. I think you’ve done enough feedings for today, Blaine. We can try in a couple hours, I’m sure she’ll be better and used to the feeling.” Lia says as she takes my baby girl away from me._

_I sat in the chair, completely undefeated and upset._

_Why was this all so hard for me?_

_We returned back to the room and I wasn’t up for conversing so I kept my back to Kurt, and cried myself to sleep._

_A couple days later, Sawyer and I were discharged from the hospital and were now back home in our apartment._

_It’s just us and our baby. No nurses, no medical attention, no assistance, just us. It was a horrifying feeling of just being on our own now._

_Kurt took the advantage of catching up on sleep on our own bed while Sawyer was asleep in her crib. I didn’t do anything and just stood above her, watching her sleep. Her gentle breaths came in rhythmic patterns and she held her tiny fists against the small mattress as she slept._

_The longer I stared at her, the more I felt something was going to happen to her. And sure enough, she started to stir in her sleep and a loud wail pierced my ears. I reached down into her crib and picked her up as she kept crying and screaming at the top of her lungs._

_I lightly bounced her in my arms and shushed her but she kept crying. I figured she must’ve been hungry so I held her in my arm while pulling my shirt over my head. I sat in the glider next to Sawyer’s crib and brought her close to my chest. I pushed my nipple against her lips, waiting for her to latch on, and of course she didn’t. It always takes so much time for her to latch on, she still hasn’t gotten the hang of it._

_“C’mon sweetheart. Mommy needs to feed you.” I continued to rub my nipple along her lips as she opened them just a little. “C’mon Sawyer, I know you're hungry, baby girl.”_

_“Blaine?” Kurt walked in, fresh from his afternoon slumber. “Why’s she crying?”_

_“She’s hungry but she just doesn’t seem to watch to latch on! I can’t do this Kurt!” I raise the volume of my voice, scaring Sawyer, causing her to cry more._

_“Here let me-”_

_“NO!” I yell and he slowly backs away. “I need to feed her Kurt! She’s going to have to get used to it! I’m going to feed her, just give me some space!”_

_“Whatever.” He throws his hands up and leaves her nursery, leaving me alone with my daughter._

_“Okay Sawyer, enough!” I fixed her in my arms and made sure she had a good angle to latch on. I did the same routine of moving my nipple to her lips and sure enough after several tries she finally did it._

_I let out a sigh of relief as tears burned in my eyes._

_I can’t do this. I can’t be a mom. I can’t even keep my cool when my own daughter is struggling. I can’t, this is just too much for me._

_**-End of flashback-** _

Ten weeks ago, my life changed completely. I thought this was going to be something great for us, something we always wanted, but it’s not like that. The day Sawyer was born was supposed to be the most magical day of our lives, but for me, I despised her. She used my body to grow and now I can never get back how I looked or felt before I had her.

She was born a healthy seven pound, three ounce baby girl. Full of life and love but as soon as I saw her, I was filled with fear and sadness. People say it’s normal to feel like this but was it also normal to not love the life you created?

Now at nearly two months old, I still can’t bring myself to love this little girl. All I can do is stare at her and wish I never had her. I hate how I feel and I absolutely hate how she makes me feel.

Kurt’s been pulling both our weight with trying to care for her and I know he wishes I’d help more but it’s become an endless cycle of being irritable and on edge.

It’s just us all the time. We have very limited support considering our parents live in different states and our friends that live here, have their own lives to worry about. Kurt has his job at Vogue and well I have nothing.

It was 8:45am and I was still in bed while my husband was getting ready for work. He leaves Sawyer in here with me while he’s doing so, so that he doesn’t get distracted but I barely pay attention to her. I stay lost in my thoughts.

I’ve developed this habit of reading many, many articles on SIDS, sudden infant death syndrome. I keep myself up all night or I just can’t sleep because I’m constantly thinking about something happening to Sawyer. Then when she would wake up screaming in the night, I just felt utterly incapable of soothing her while I lay in bed, unable to cope with my anxiety.

“Blaine?” A soft knock rang on the door and it was slowly pushed open. I glanced over at Kurt, fully dressed for work with his bag hanging off his shoulder. “I’m leaving, baby. I made you a veggie omelet and cut some fruit up for you, okay?” I slowly nod, feeling him greet my lips with a kiss. “I’ll see you later, call me if you need me.” He says and says bye to Sawyer then walks out of our bedroom.

I hear his footsteps travel down the hall and the front door opening then closing not long after. I sigh and turned to my other side so that I was facing Sawyer.

She was wide awake and was sucking on her fist, getting drool all over herself and the sheets. Her bright blue eyes were looking at me, full of joy.

I sit up and pull her over to me, removing her fist from her mouth, and pick her up. I took her out into the living room with me and set her in her bassinet while I went to the kitchen and got myself a premade protein shake. I toss the breakfast Kurt made me into the garbage and drink my shake, the only thing I can handle under all this stress and anxiety.

I brought myself back over to the living room and sat on the couch, turning on the tv. Reruns of Grey’s Anatomy was on so I just left it and tried to get comfortable but Sawyer began to cry. It was almost 9 which mean she needed to be fed.

I pushed myself off the couch with a loud sigh and went to the kitchen, getting a bottle and a pouch of the milk I pumped the other night.

Her cries got louder and louder and I was getting annoyed.

“I’m coming Sawyer, hang on!”

I open the freezer and see the container that I kept the pouches in was empty.

“Oh no! No, no, no, no!” I pulled it out and there was nothing inside. Kurt must’ve used the last one early this morning for her. Would’ve been nice if he told me! “Shit!”

I slam the freezer shut and leave the empty bottle of the counter, rushing back to the living room as my daughter’s screams echoed around in our loft.

“Okay, okay, mommy’s gonna feed you. Just give me a minute.”

I remove my shirt and scoop her up from her bassinet, holding her close to my chest. She hasn’t nursed from me in three days since I’ve been pumping but I was so tired last night that I forgot and now we’re back at square one.

“Alright Sawyer.” Her cries grew softer as I brought my nipple to her mouth. My chest was swollen so I knew if she didn’t start sucking, I’ll start leaking. They were already so sore from her nursing prior and all the pumping, they’re just numb at this point. When she started to suck, she was silent. Her face was red and wet from those big tears.

While she ate, my eyes grew heavy and I wanted to sleep so badly but she needed to be fed unfortunately. After I feed her, I’m gonna have to pump too so that we have enough during the night.

When she was done, I reached from the folded burp cloth in the laundry basket and placed it over my shoulder, bringing Sawyer up to burp her. I lightly pat her back with soft taps over and over again. She lets out a small belch and I smile knowing she was all set but was it with a sour stench. I looked over all my shoulder and felt the warm liquid running down my back.

“Aww, c’mon Sawyer! Really?! UGH!” I clean her face and set her back into her bassinet while I run to the bathroom and try my best to wipe her throw up off my back. “Jesus christ!” I did all I could to clean it off me then went back to the living room to find some on the couch.

I roll my eyes and get a wet rag, hoping this didn’t stain Kurt’s couch. He’d kill me if it was ruined and once again it’d be my fault because I wasn’t paying close enough attention to Sawyer.

Getting everything cleaned and dry, I put on another baggy shirt to hide my horrific post baby bod and dragged my ass back to the couch with my pump and the pouches. Let’s hope I get something out.

Sawyer was content in her bassinet for a while after I changed her diaper and gave her a few toys. I then hooked up the pump and brought it to both my swollen pecs, I was so used to the feeling already it didn’t even phase me with how painful it was. I got the machine started and stayed on the couch, continuing to watch Grey’s Anatomy while these things sucked me dry.

After almost an hour and a half of pumping 25 ounces of milk, I took them off and rubbed my tender nipples with my hands to make some of the swelling and soreness go away. I brought the pouches to the freezer and set them in the container, filling it up. I smiled to myself, proud of what I accomplished and returned back to the couch, enjoying my show.

As another episode started, I began to doze off but Sawyer’s loud wails startled me and I woke up. She was kicking and screaming in her bassinet so I got her out and held her close to my chest.

“Shh, shh, shh, it’s okay Sawyer.” I slowly rocked her in my arms but she just kept crying and crying.

I felt like I was in a constant race against time. I’m either soothing, feeding, pumping, or changing this child and never have any time for myself or anything. I feel like I’m suffocating, always struggling to tend to her needs.

I stare up at the beams on our ceiling and heavily sigh. Sawyer’s cries just got louder and I was losing my mind. I shake my head and blink away my tears, getting off the couch with her still in my arms, screaming in my ear.

I reach into the freezer and get out one of the half thawed pouches. I heated it up as quickly as possible while still balancing Sawyer in my arms, adjusting her every now and then from how much she was moving herself as she cried. When the bottle was ready, I tested it out on my wrist and shoved it right up to her mouth.

She instantly quieted down and drank her milk.

“You’re one big drama queen, missy.” I scoff as she ate so peacefully and stared at me with her innocent blue eyes. “It’s not gonna work on mommy. Nope! Not today, Sawyer!”

I carry her back to the couch and see that it’s already noon. Usually after her noon feedings, she naps for a while so maybe I’ll have some time to sleep.

When she finished her bottle, I gently burped her then changed her and she was asleep in no time. I carefully place her back into the bassinet in the living room and make my way back to our couch. I continue on with my show and get cozy under a fleece throw blanket. I was out no long after.

**\---**

I was so relaxed in my sleep, deep, deep sleep. It was peaceful to be alone in the silence of my own thoughts, no disruptions, no one else, just me in my mind. I’m content and quiet nothing could ruin my- “Blaine!” Kurt’s voice rang in my ears. It couldn’t be him, why is he here.

“Blaine?! Baby wake up!” I felt hands on my body, shaking my awake. I try to resist and almost fall over from the loud cries off in the distance. “Blaine!”

My eyes shot open and Kurt was hovering above me, relieved that I was awake. He pulled me into his chest, “Thank god, you’re okay. I thought something happened to you.” He says while softly petting my hair. “Are you alright? Sawyer’s been crying for hours. Our neighbor called me at work saying she thought something was wrong. Are you feeling okay?” He puts his hand to my forehead and I take it off.

“I’m fine, Kurt. Just tired.” I yawn and he gives me a look of disapproval. “I’m sorry, I just fell asleep and was so comfortable I guess I zoned her out.”

“It’s okay, um...I’ll take her and start dinner okay? You go take a hot shower.”

“Are you sure?”

He nods and picks up our daughter, walking her down the hall into her nursery. As soon as she was in his arms, she quieted down. It was he had some power to calm her, maybe it was the love I didn’t have for her.

I went off to our bathroom and took an hour-long shower. I made sure the water was scalding hot before going in. It felt like tiny shards of glass flying all over my body, turning it a deep shade of red but I didn’t mind it. The pain felt good, soothing much rather.

When I got out, I got dressed into a pair of black NYU sweats and a baggy Dalton shirt. I take a look at myself in the mirror and raise my shirt, disgusted at what I see. I still had some baby fat around my abdomen and the faded dark line that ran from the top of my stomach to my pubic area. I was not flattered by how I looked and how much I changed. With a dull sigh, I leave our bathroom and can smell the meal Kurt was making. My mouth watered but I knew I wasn’t gonna be able to bring myself to eat whatever it is.

He set the table and smiled when he saw me come over.

“Hello my beautiful husband.” He takes my hands and brings me over to my seat across from him. “Dinner is served.” His smile grew as he unveiled a plate of his spaghetti and meatballs.

He goes around to sit in his seat and starts to eat.

I take a few bites of my food and stay silent while he talks about his day at work, just going on and on about the bunches meetings he had, the new line they're designing, and yada yada yada. I didn’t care about this day, I was exhausted and sleep deprived. That nap may have been nice but it doesn’t make up for the countless hours I lost trying to sleep.

“Sweetheart, you hardly touched your food. Are you not hungry?” He asks, wiping his mouth with a cloth napkin. “Did you eat anything today? I saw that shake on the coffee table earlier, Blaine.”

“I’m just not hungry all that much anymore, Kurt.”

“Okay, well I’ll put it away for later in case you are.” He says with a fake smile plastered onto his perfect face. He got up and took our plates to the counter while I stayed in my seat, lost in my own thoughts.

While Kurt took care of the food, I took myself over to the living room and sat on the couch. Kurt joined me shortly after and laid against my body. He stuck his chin into my sternum and stared up at me with a loving smile.

“What?”

“I was thinking since Sawyer’s sleeping maybe we can get a little intimate under the covers tonight?” As he’s saying that, his hand travels under my shirt and he slowly slithers it up to my nipplE, playing with it in between his fingers.

I smirk at his touch but soon remember how terrible I looked.

“Babe, stop.” I take his hand away from under my shirt and he looks at me confused. Going in for another move, I instantly snap and sit up. “Stop Kurt! Not tonight! I have to clean up!”

“You don’t have to clean anything, Blaine. C’mon just for a little bit?” He whines and takes the hem of my shirt, trying to pull it off my body but I quickly move from my spot on the couch making him fall into the cushion.

“Blaine!”

“No Kurt!”

I stomp over to the kitchen and throw all her used bottles into the sink. I turn the water on and huff, taking the sponge, scrubbing as hard as I possibly can to get them clean.

“Blaine, sweetie.” Kurt comes up next to me and tries to get me to stop but I keep scrubbing.

“These need to be clean or else she’s not gonna have anything to eat from and if she doesn’t have anything to eat from then she’s gonna starve and just cry and cry and cry and cry and-Blaine!” Kurt’s voice pulls me from my panic state and I throw the bottles into the sink, letting them crash against the stainless steel.

He turns off the water and grabs the dish rag to dry my hands. He then takes hold of them but I snatch them away, irritated by everything.

“What’s wrong with you Blaine? You know ever since we had Sawyer you’ve been acting differently.” He tries to reach for me but I stumble backwards, away from him. “You can tell me, baby.”

A great sob escapes from me, and I cover my face with my shaking hands. My shoulders dropped in resignation as I cried in front of my husband.

I take in a deep breath and wipe my face before making contact with Kurt.

“I-I’m not as strong as you are, Kurt.” My voice cracks and I run my finger under my eyes, wiping my tears. “A-And for the first t-time in my l-life I feel like I-I’m losing myself a-and the whole b-balance has shifted.”

“What balance, Blaine?” He asks while keeping his arms crossed over his chest.

I slightly shake my head, closing my eyes knowing I was about to change how he felt about me.

“I guess it started when I first got pregnant with Sawyer.” I sigh and run my hands through my fluffy curls. “My body just kept changing and I didn’t like it but I-I tried to stay happy for her a-and for you, at least. A-And now I f-feel like you don't like the way I am.”

“Blaine, that’s not true. Is that what this is all about? Your false judgement about how I feel about you? What are you trying to get me to do, Blaine?”

“I don’t like the way I feel about myself anymore, Kurt! Okay?!” I cover my face once more and try to ease myself away from yelling. “You have like this perfect job and perfect body and do you wanna know why I don’t feel intimate?! It’s because I feel insecure about myself! I feel insecure around my own husband and that’s why I haven’t been myself lately, Kurt! I’m such a failure as a mom too!” I find myself crying again and slumping over in a chair just beside me.

Kurt crouches down in front of me and places his hand onto my knee, “Blaine, I’ll never judge you. You know that.”

“I know.” I sigh. “I know that, I’m sorry I just-” I take a deep breath and remove my hands from my face. “I’m just so scared that I’m gonna keep changing then you’re gonna wake up one day and you’re gonna realize that I don’t love him anymore.” I whimper and shrug my shoulder watching Kurt’s face fall.

“Never.” He shakes his head. “I’m always gonna love you. But I don’t want you to be insecure or ashamed around me. Next time you’re going through something like this, you have to be honest with me, Blaine.”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry.” I nod and close my eyes, folding my hands together.

“I love you, okay? We’re going to get you some help and get you feeling better.”

“What kind of help? Like a therapist?”

“Yes, Blaine. I think it’d be best if you went, we can both go if you’d like. We just need to see someone and try to fix this.”

“Okay.” I nod and he wraps his arms around me, giving me a hug. “I love you, Kurt.”

“I love you too, honey. I’ve loved you since the day we met.”

I smile at the memory of our first meeting at Dalton nearly seven years ago. It doesn’t feel like that long ago but I guess time does fly when life happens.

**-One Week Later-**

Kurt and I were sitting in the office of a psychiatrist he was recommended by one of his co-workers. Her name was Haley Andrews and from all the plaques on her wall, I’d say she knows what she’s doing.

Our appointment started about twenty minutes ago and Kurt was in the middle of explaining to her how he was feeling and taking all this. Sawyer was asleep in her stroller since we didn’t have anyone to watch her, but thankfully she’s been a good girl during our time here.

“-trying to be supportive of Blaine and all he’s been going through but it’s hard and it’s very overwhelming. I just felt like Blaine was inconsolable and we both felt at a loss.”  
“Okay, and Blaine how’re you coping with things since you expressed how you felt with Kurt?”

“I mean I’m glad I got it off my chest but I still feel trapped. I’m always with the baby and I just can’t seem to find time for myself. Like I’m suffocating.”

She slowly nods writing things down onto her pad, then looks back up at us.

“Were you feeling like this during your pregnancy as well or did it start after you had your daughter?”

“Um well it-It started when he stopped taking his antidepressants.” Kurt answers and she continues to nod. “He stopped taking them because his OB felt it’d be best for him to get into a good mental state regarding the pregnancy but his whole mood changed so drastically.”

“I see. So Blaine, have you considered taking your antidepressants again?”

“Not really, but I mean if they’ll help then I don’t see why not right?” I look towards my husband and he nods agreeing with me.

“Are there other options though that we can try?”

“Absolutely. Blaine can try fifteen to twenty minutes of daily relaxation, meditation, mindfulness skills, maybe hiring someone to help, or asking a relative to come and help for a few weeks just until you’re both able to handle things. I know it's tough becoming a first time parent but I know you both love your daughter and want what’s best for her, right?”

Kurt nods while I don’t respond to her question and she notices.

“Blaine? Why did you stay quiet when I started talking about your daughter?”

I sigh and feel a hand on top of mine, squeezing it. Tears welled in my eyes and I looked back at Haley frowning.

“I’ve always had this guilt inside of me ever since she was born and I despised her. I didn’t like how she made me feel and I couldn’t find it in my heart to love her.”

“So, have you changed since then?”

“I don’t know. I mean I’m more patient with her now but I still have this fear and anger inside me whenever I’m with her and I don’t know why.”

“Okay, well postpartum depression is very common and what you’re going through is not uncommon among a first time parent. I’ve had a lot of patients express to me their feelings of hatred towards their child and it was just their insecurities and fear speaking rather than what they truly felt. I think you just need to focus on yourself, finding a good balance between you and the baby.”

“Okay.” I nod, swallowing the large knot in my throat.

“Don’t think that you’re alone, Blaine. Kurt’s here for you, I’m here for you, your family’s here for you. You just have to know that and let them help you as much as they can.”

I nod again and she kindly hands me some tissues then gives some to Kurt as well who was getting teary eyed.

“So, Blaine, I’m going to prescribe you some antidepressants again and I want you to take them as directed then go from there with how you feel. I also want you to try some of the coping methods I suggested and will see you back here next month.”

“Sounds good. Thank you so much, Hayley.”

“No problem. It was nice meeting you both and that adorable little girl of yours.”

“Thanks, you too. We’ll see you soon.”

She nods and shows us out of her office. We make another appointment with her secretary then are on our way into the cold, rainy city.

Kurt and I got our jackets on and pulled the cover over Sawyer’s stroller so she didn’t get wet. He opened the umbrella and we walked down the street back to our apartment. Thank god it was only a few blocks away from her office so we didn’t need a cab or the subway.

While we were walking, Kurt kept smiling over at me while pushing the stroller.

“What?” I ask, feeling myself blush.

“Nothing, I’m just glad you’re taking steps towards getting better. It’s a big step admitting something and you did it.”

“Oh, thanks I guess.” I shrug and stuff my hands into my pockets. “I want to change how I feel Kurt so I’m ready to do whatever it takes to get me feeling myself again.”

“Good for you, babe. You deserve it.” He winks and we stop at a crosswalk. “You got this.” He adds and leans towards me, kissing my cheek.

-Several Months Later-

I don’t think I would’ve ever made it this far and actually feel different about myself.

I went back to my antidepressants, thanks to Haley, and I found time to meditate everyday while taking care of Sawyer. Carole had come up for two weeks to help us and with her being there, Kurt and I were able to have some alone time and went out on a date.

It felt good to get back into the swing of things. Not only have I noticed a change but Kurt has pointed out a significant improvement in my mood and energy.

Kurt and I still met with Haley once every three weeks and we’ve been feeling significantly better. We found a series of self-help parenting books to be particularly helpful and had gotten some helpful tips from others.

I’m sleeping a lot better, eating a lot better, and just overall feeling great.

After my shower, I dressed in my usual pjs of sweats and some old shirt, then joined my husband in our bed with Sawyer. He had her laying up against his knees, holding her tiny fists, while she was giggling her head off.

“Who’s such a pretty girl? You are! Oh yes you are! You’re my pretty girl!” He blew raspberries on her belly and she erupted in more giggles making us both laugh.

I lean my head on Kurt’s shoulder and tickle Sawyer’s tummy. Watching her smile made me feel all warm inside. I made that smile and she wears it proudly.

“You know Blaine-” Kurt sighs, scrunching his hand against Sawyer’s chunky legs. “I’m so proud of you. You’ve come so far and I just, I’m blown away with how much you’ve grown and changed to better yourself. I really am so proud of you.”

“Thanks, babe. I’m proud of myself too. I just feel so bad.”

“About what, baby?”

“It just breaks my heart to think I was basically neglecting our daughter. I mean how could I be so mean and cruel to someone as sweet and innocent as her. Poor thing did nothing wrong and I took all my hatred out on her, I just wish I could take back everything I ever said or thought about her because she’s so perfect.”

“Sweetheart, you didn’t neglect her, you were just in limbo with yourself. Sawyer’s not mad at you nor does she care since she’s still a baby. I think she’s just happy her mommy and daddy are happy. Trust me we both love you and are happy for you.”

“Really?”

“Really, Blaine. You’ve been so strong and so brave through this journey. I’m so glad I’m married to someone as amazing as you.”

“Aww Kurt.” I cuddle into his side and bring my arm over his waist. “I’m glad to be married to someone as amazing as you too.” I lift my head up and we graciously kiss each other.

It’s been hard but being able to normalize the stress of adjusting to parenthood was extremely helpful for us and we’re able to enjoy our lives with our baby girl.


End file.
